i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize
