dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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