Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
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