i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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