so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Randomize
