Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Randomize
