I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
Randomize
