Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
