My underwear smells like fireworks.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
why is half of my head shaved?
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