He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
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