everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Randomize
