I just pynch a tree in the face
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
