The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
