During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
God I need to hump something, right now.
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