Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Randomize