Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
