how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
