What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I need water and some morals
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
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