I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
