is your mom at the bar?
Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Come on in and take your pants off
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