He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
