I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
