God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
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