when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
