i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
