my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Randomize
