I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
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