Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Randomize
