im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Randomize
