I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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