Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I need to calm my uterus...
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
