I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
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