Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
