I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
soo... how was my night?
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
