Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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