Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Randomize
