You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
