What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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