I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
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