My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Randomize
