I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
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