I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
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