dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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