Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Randomize
