Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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