so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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