She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Randomize
