I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
