I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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