Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
