Sry I called you an 8
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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