Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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