today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
