Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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