She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Randomize
