Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
